Ugh....what a punch to the soul. Sorry to hear you are going through this Gonz. I've never been lucky enough to put in 19 years, but I've been through something similar as well. And I know what you are talking about with the nights. It would have been so much easier if it wasn't for the nights. I had a lot of insomnia during that time, trying to figure out how to make everything better. And the time spent still living together was especially painful. The best thing to do is to funnel all that unhappiness into work - it is so easy to not feel like doing anything when you are down. But the quicker you are away from the place, the easier it will eventually be, as I found the month plus that I spent living with my ex but broken up to be the most excrutiating. Although the week that I was still preparing to move with her no longer in our home maybe just a tad worse. The first week in the new apartment sucked as well, but once I finally got up my ability to get the boxes unpacked, I started feeling like I was starting to become myself again, and was pretty empowering. And to add to what Scratch said, once you hit your bottom line, you will find what you are made of.
Here's a song I found especially helpful during my breakup. It's a bit hippy, but it really rang true for me. It's from Jane Siberry, who over the past few years got rid of all of her possessions except for a touring guitar or something like that. This was after some success in Canada. She then decided to allow free downloads of her music, and continues to make new music that she gives for free. I became a fan about the time of the album The Walking, and has a lot of good songs with that album and before, but the album this song comes from is Maria, and is a 20 minute song fulla goodness called Oh My My, which was the only song on the album that was similar to her older style. She changed after that, and sadly, not for the better, in my opinion. You can download the album, and her entire catalog
here.
The song itself has several "voices," or at least that is my interpretation, substantiated by the lyrics having a variety of caps, no caps, etc. On the lyrics sheet with the CD, it is a bit clearer the differentiation, but I grabbed this from a lyrics site because I'm lazy and at work.
Quote:
EVERYTHING YOU SAY
EVERYTHING YOU DO
WILL COME BACK
TO STAND WITH YOU
EVERYTHING YOU TRUST
EVERYTHING YOU FEEL
WILL COME BACK
TO KNEEL WITH YOU
EVERYTHING YOU SAY
EVERYTHING YOU TRY
WILL COME OUT
SOUNDING LIKE A LIE
EVERYTHING YOU TRUST
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW
WILL TURN TO DUST
WILL BLOW
AWAY
...Oh My My...
I'm cracking
I'm cracking
cracking
I'm cracking into a thousand pieces
OPEN UP YOUR EYES
mama mama please come quick
something's wrong I'm feeling sick
mama mama I'm in a mess
I can't lose this heaviness
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Mother
mary had a little lamb
little lamb
little lamb
mary had a little lamb
its fleece was...oh...
mama mama
I searched these hills for my sweet lamb
I carried myself up the mountain
And 5 men came out
And I laid myself down
And I looked around
And I couldn't find my sweet lamb
I'm looking for my Bottom Line
And as soon as I find it
I'm gonna turn my life around
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Mother
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Brother
YOU'RE FLOATING IN A HARBOUR
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
AND YOU'RE LOOKING ALL AROUND YOU
AND YOU CAN'T SEE ANY LIGHT
AND THE BLACK AND STARLESS HEAVENS
WEIGH DOWN UPON YOUR SOUL
AND YOU FACE THE OPEN SEA
AND YOU'RE NOT SURE THAT YOU WANNA GO
AND YOU SCAN THE HORIZON
BUT THE ONLY LIGHT YOU FIND
IS IN THE PLACE YOU CAME FROM
THE PLACE YOU LEFT BEHIND
OH SO YOU'RE MOVING OUT
MOVING OUT
MOVING OUT
CUTTING THE CORDS
YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING
AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MAPS
AND THE ONLY THING YOU'RE SURE OF
IS YOU AIN'T...GOING...BACK
1. YOU WILL BE BORN INTO A STRANGE AND DESOLATE PLACE.
2. IT WILL BE CALLED "THE AVERAGE HOME."
3. THE TIMES WILL BE RESTLESS AND FULL OF UNCERTAINTY.
4. YOU WILL SILENTLY QUESTION THIS OF YOUR MOTHER AS YOU WATCH HER MOVE AWAY.
Precious Candles
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
Is LIFE not Precious?...
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
mama mama
please come quick
take me home from school
I feel so sick
mama mama
something's wrong
my heart is breaking
but I don't know why
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Mother
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Brother
5. THERE WILL BE NO ANSWER.
6. YOU WILL BEGIN THE LONG PROCESS OF SHUTTING DOWN.
7. YOUR COUNTENANCE WILL REFLECT LESS LIGHT AND LATER WHEN YOU LOOK
AT PICTURES OF YOURSELF YOU WILL WONDER.
8. YOU WILL GIVE UP YOUR BACKBONE TO THE T.V. AND ACCEPT A VALUE SYSTEM
9. PUTTING FORTH LIES, HATRED AND INTOLERANCE IN THE NAME OF LOVE AS ACCEPTABLE.
10. NO ONE WILL STEP FORWARD FROM THE SHADOWS SAYING: "EXPECT THIS, IT IS PART OF THE PATH."
11. YOU WILL DISCOVER DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
12. YOU WILL INSTINCTIVELY MOVE TOWARDS YOUR OWN BOTTOM LINE.
Precious Candles
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
Precious Candles
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
mama mama please come quick
hold my head I feel so sick
mama mama let me come home
wrap me up I can't get warm
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Mother
oh my...oh my my my...oh my Brother
13. YOU WILL RUSH HEADLONG TOWARDS YOUR BOTTOM LINE IN AN INSTINCTIVE ATTEMPT TO HEAL.
14. YOU WILL GO TO AA TO LEARN WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED IN SUNDAY SCHOOL.
15. AND THEN YOU WILL GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO CRY. AND YOU WILL CRY AND CRY AND CRY.
16. AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL MOVE AWAY NERVOUSLY AND YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A FOOL.
17. AND NO ONE WILL STEP FORWARD FROM THE SHADOWS SAYING
18. "THE JOURNEY FORWARD INCLUDES MOVEMENT INTO DESPAIR."
19. AND YOU WILL BE GATHERING STRENGTH
20. EVEN AS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
21. AND CERTAIN WORDS LIKE LOVE AND...
22. INTEGRITY WILL BE DRAWN INTO YOUR SPINE.
23. AND THEN ONE DAY...
24. YOU WILL TURN OFF THE T.V.
Precious Candles
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
Precious Candles
YOUR LIGHT IS YOUR OWN
mama mama something's wrong
there's only silence where there once was song
I keep hearing all these bells
am I healing or dying? I can't tell.
hey ho
sail on out
sail all night
sail on with all your might
land ahead
land ho
land ho
land ho
I sure miss that little lamb
that little lamb called Puff
or...was it...Poof? or...
well, anyways, I sure miss that sweet lamb
lay down upon your pillow...
just live all you can knowing that's all
you have to give
mama mama I almost did it
I almost carried myself up the mountainside
In my own arms
And laid myself down
there a New Strength nearby, I know
And as soon as I find my Bottom Line
I'm gonna turn my life around
I sure miss that little lamb...
here I go
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