Douglas Adams Continuum (DAC)

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and he asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a
thoft and fuwthy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown
wabbit over there?

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and whispers ...................

"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a fuck what colour it is"

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

Bush dies and the Devil awaits him.
The Devil says:
'Hey, there is a slight problem. There are no vacancies at the moment. But! There are three eccentrics here who are way better than you. You can choose whom to let go.'
'Ok. Sounds reasonable.'
First room: Nixon with a shovel, digging a very deep hole.
'Well' says Bush 'that's not my cup of tea. I have a weak arm.'
Second room: Reagen in a huge pool, trying to survive his unpleasant encounter with water.
'Bleah' says Bush 'I don't like this either. I can't swim.'
Third room: Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in there, Monica doing what she really can.
'Wow' says Bush 'I like that! That's it!'
The Devil says:
'Okay, Monica off you go!'

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Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
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You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing. - Bertram Wooster, The Code of the Woosters

Seymour, allow me:

AHEM

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The drug purportedly affected an area of the brain called "Shatner's Bassoon"

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
http://s267.photobucket.com/albums/ii297/h2g230/

Thank you kind sir.

I've been serviced properly at last! You've dug into me background & unearthed my potential!

Sorry about that

I seem to be channeling Julian and Sandy.

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

How many republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Zero. There's nothing wrong with the lightbulb. Why do you think there is something wrong with the lightbulb? Why do you hate America?

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It's terrible, but I guess songs are just interesting things to do with the air.
-Tom Waits

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?






Two, but no-one's really sure how they get in there.

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

How do you know if you were burgled by gay men?





The furniture has been tastefully re-arranged & there is a quiche in the oven.

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

What do you call a Spanish man recentley released from hospital?






Manuel

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

I'll get my coat....

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

this might be pretty old but i can't think of something right now...

what do McDonald's and Michael Jackson have in common??



they both stick their meat into 6 yr old buns

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WWJD... for a Klondike bar?

Half a punchline is no way to quote me!

AHEM!

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

What do you call a Spanish man who is a victim of a car jacking?






Carlos

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

didn't spot that earlier, and i have a perfectly good excuse!! sorry...

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WWJD... for a Klondike bar?

What is the difference between an Essex boy & an Essex girl?








An Essex girl has a higher sperm count

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

Seymour...the king of the subliminal message

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The drug purportedly affected an area of the brain called "Shatner's Bassoon"

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
http://s267.photobucket.com/albums/ii297/h2g230/

A man walks into a French restaurant hungry for something he's never tried before.

His waiter, Gervase, sits him at a table & asks him, in an inspector Clouseau accent "Would you like to zee za menu?"

"I'd like the special today please."

"Ah bon, ze special today is verra good. It is za 'airy lipped squid, verra mild, verra nice."

Gervase walks over to the huge fish tank in the corner, grabs a net & hooks out the terrified squid.

Once in the kitchen he places the trembling green animal onto the chopping board & lifts the meat cleaver up into the air. It's little mustache quivers in fright & Gervase can't do it.

Hans, the German chef (I know, it sound far-fetched, but go with it) pushes Gervase out of the way & muttering under his breath about soft French waiters, lifts the cleaver to kill the squid.

He sees it's big frightened eyes....

Big mistake, he can't kill it either....

All of which just go to show-

#"That Hans who kills fishes #
# can be soft as Gervase #
# with mild green hairy lipped squid" #

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

I don't particularly like this one since the joke's on me, but it still is funny if you're a singer.

How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the diet cola and the other to get her accompanist to do it.

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I AM A RAMPAGING PIEGON!
One with a plunger, no less.

How many Douglas Adams fans does it take...

Oh, I think you might know that one.

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D.
The Thirteenth Triskaidekaphobe
--------------------------------------

Hey, that was on John Cleese's official website, wasn't it?

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Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing. - Bertram Wooster, The Code of the Woosters

Yasser Arafat dies, and arrives in hell, Nobel Peace preize in hand. He meets the devil, and says: "Wait a minute, this can't be right. I mean, I won the Nobel Peace prize! A mistake have obviously been made."

The devil ponders this a moment, then tells him: "I think you're right, some one must have made a mistake."

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Carpe aleae

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

What's the difference between Siegfried & Roy and the Schumacher brothers?
The visual expression when one hits the other from behind.

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Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
(Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See")

naughty

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

Someone as in "the Nobel peace prize comitee"

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Carpe aleae

Doh!

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

indeed

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Carpe aleae

What so you get when you cross an over-groomed dog and a rooster?

Cock-a-poodle-do! <drum roll, cymbal crash>

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"Madness is the first sign of dandruff." - Dr. John "Winston O'Boogie" Lennon

"I'm a pacifist. I don't believe in imaginary violence." - Paul Rudd in Role Models

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.

Why doh, Seymour?
There are two options.

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Sir Humphrey: With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can't be a successful dictator and design women's underclothing. - Bertram Wooster, The Code of the Woosters

What's the similarity between a meteorologist and a woman?



They both want to know how many inches and how long it'll last...

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WWJD... for a Klondike bar?

What's the difference between a straight man & a bi-curious man?





Six pints of lager

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Megagay? Didn't he fight Godzilla?

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

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It's terrible, but I guess songs are just interesting things to do with the air.
-Tom Waits

Never! I deny it all!

Oops..

_________________
The drug purportedly affected an area of the brain called "Shatner's Bassoon"

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
http://s267.photobucket.com/albums/ii297/h2g230/

How to start your day with a positive attitude:

Create a "new folder" on your computer.
Name it "George W. Bush".
Send it to the trash.
Empty the trash.
Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?
Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...

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It's terrible, but I guess songs are just interesting things to do with the air.
-Tom Waits

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Dick Cheney are killed in a freak Gay Pride Parade accident. They discover themselves at a river about 20 feet across. An angel appears next to them.

"This is the River of Life. If you can cross over to the other side without being completely submerged, you can enter Heaven. But be warned, the more sin you have, the deeper you will sink into the water."

So Bill Clinton decides to go first. About a quarter of the way, he sinks to his knees. He takes another step and discovers he's up to his waist. By the middle point, he's up to his shoulders. Clinton starts to sweat. But as he gets closer to the shore, the water begins to drop and he is able to enter Heaven, although much wetter than he'd thought.

"Congratulations," the angel says. "The next one may cross."

Clinton turns around and sees George W. Bush moving stridently across the river, the water only going up to his waist. Clinton is incensed.

"Now wait just a minute. I know I might've cheated on my wife and lied about a blow job but at least I didn't lie to the entire country about sending thousands of our sons & daughters to die in a needless war. How come Bush isn't sinking deeper than just his waist?"

The angel sighed. "He's standing on Cheney's head."

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This has been another random act of nonsense.

OMFG. Hardest I've laughed in literal years. Ok, not years, I laughed harder this summer, but... weeks. Yea. Definitely very funny.

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I AM A RAMPAGING PIEGON!
One with a plunger, no less.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

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"God used to be the best explanation we’d got, and we’ve now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining"
- DNA

My trademark, heard at a card table within the first five seconds after I had taken a seat. I present you with... The Leprechaun Joke.


One St. patty's day, a middle-aged American decided to celebrate with a few rounds of beer at the local pub. After three or four, he noticed a midget in green walking behind him. He reached around and grabbed him by the collar, laughing.
"Ha, I've got you. Now you gotta grant me three wishes."
The man looked him straight in the face and said, "All right, what d'you want?"
The bigger man was astounded. "What, seriously? Um, a 2005 Ferarri in the parking lot for me."
"Done, what's your next one?" Said the smaller man hurriedly.
"Um, er, a huge mansion on top of a hill."
"All right, last one, hurry up, this is embarassing!"
"Uh, this month's Playmate in the Ferarri waiting for me."
"Okay, done, now let me go!"
"No, no, wait, wait!" Said the man, not letting go. "I mean an all-expense-paid trip to Europe!"
"Well, you've already had three! That's it!"
"Oh, come on! I'll do anything!"
The midget looked at him seriously. "Anything?"
"Anything."
After a brief pause, the man in green agreed. "All right. I'll give you your fourth wish if you let me get you in the bathroom and take you up the arse."
"WHAT?!"
"Europe," he replied shortly.
"...All right, fine. Make it quick."

A few moments later, the two returned from the bathroom, and the taller man stood and leaned on the bar. He put his head in his hands and mumbled to himself, "I can't believe a Leprachaun just screwed me up the ass."
As the man in green waltzed out the door, he called back, grinning,
"I can't believe you thought I was a leprachaun!"

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Zombies make bad gifts.

I saw that punchline coming a mile away :D Still a good joke, though!

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"Hey, didja hear that? The monkey spoke! Pure history, man, a talking monkey!" --You know who

Why, thank'ya. I have a 'magic dildo' one I might be swayed to share, forum mommies and daddies permitting.

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Zombies make bad gifts.

same here, i know a lot more "innapropriate" jokes than those clean ones, im just afraid of them cleaning my mouth with soap

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WWJD... for a Klondike bar?

oh, you won´t get any complaints from me, you know... 8)

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"The human gene pool needs more lifeguards!
Either that or stronger chlorination...." (Pitbull)

Two blondes walk into a Bar. You would have throught that at least one of them would have seen it.

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.

-H.L. Mencken


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